


It's our mind that doesn't want to catch-up

by Lindseypatd



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Character Death, Depression, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 06:35:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11053353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lindseypatd/pseuds/Lindseypatd
Summary: Brendons mom keeps calling him sick but he just doesn't understand it





	It's our mind that doesn't want to catch-up

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE UNDERSTAND i do not mean to romanticize suicide, i do not mean to make fun of people with mental health issues because i have them too and DONT FORGET this is all fiction that i just want to share

Brendon woke up to the feeling of Ryan pressing gentle kisses in his neck. Brendon turned around and opened one eye to look at the beautiful boy infront of him. His beautiful eyes, his cute button nose, his perfect lips and his perfect white teeth. Brendon still couldn't believe how he got so lucky.   
"Good morning Bren"   
Whispered Ryan and he pulled Brendon closer to his chest. Brendon smiled and kissed Ryans chest. They lay there like that for a while. Just giving each other random kisses and holding each other close. There's a knock on Brendons door, he groans. Because everytime someone comes in his room, Ryan disappears and he doesn't understand why. This has been going on for weeks now. He opened his door to reveal 2 men dressed as if they are... Doctors? Brendon was confused. Why would there be 2 doctors infront of HIS room? He's not feeling sick or anything, it doesn't make sense to him. He looks behind the doctors and sees his mother standing there with tears streaming down her face.  
"Mom what's wrong?" Brendon asked. His mom started crying harder but eventually gave an answer.  
"Brenny, you are sick" silence.   
Complete dead silence. What did she mean with sick? He's not feeling sick He feels great? Brendon really doesn't understand so he throws a fit when the doctors try to take him.

"NO I AM NOT SICK GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME, MOM I'M NOT SICK HELP ME. RYAN WHERE IS RYAN, HELP ME RYAN" 

He kept screaming and kicking and yelling but they succeeded and Brendon was now on his way to a mental hospital. His mom stood there and watched all of it happen. Of course she's not happy but Brendon really needs help. 

Brendon has been in the mental hospital for a week now. But he's doing okay because Ryan is there with him, to keep him safe and help him through the day. Everyday Brendon needs to go see a therapist and Ryan keeps refusing to go with him. So every day he sits there with his mouth shut and tears streaming down his face, he doesn't know why though. Usually they let him go back to his room after an hour of trying to talk to him and when he's back in his room, Ryan will be there with open arms to hold him close and tell him that everything will be fine. 

It has been 4 weekes now and he still doesn't know what is wrong with him. Everytime he had to see a therapist he just started screaming and crying but they don't know why. And the worst of all, Ryan isn't there as much anymore. Brendon wakes up one morning completely cold and alone... It doesn't feel right. There is a letter on his desk in the corner of the room but he feels like he shouldn't read it yet, so he lets it be. This day was incredibly boring for Brendon. Ryan was nowhere to be found. His did mom came to visit today.   
"Mom where is Ryan?"   
His mother sighed and rubbed her eyes.   
"He's not here Brendon..."   
Brendon was confused.   
"What do you mean, not here?"  
Brendon stood up and started pacing around the room. Ryan has to be here he thought. Ryan would never leave him, he promised that.   
"Brendon I need you to wake up!"  
His mother suddenly yelled at him. He just stood there with his eyes wide open and mouth a little bit open.  
"Ryan. Is. Dead. Brendon! Ryan does not exist anymore! You are just heart broken and sad and too scared to accept that and now you are here!"   
His mom yelled and thats when he realizes... Ryan wasn't real. It was his imagination. He broke down completely. He rushed out of his room and runned to the therapists office. He knocked on the door and the woman let him in. Brendon sat down in a chair in the corner of the room next to a window, staring outside. "He is dead" Brendon whispered.  
He kept repeating it to himself until he was yelling the words. The tears kept streaming down his face and the sobs broke his voice before he completely broke down. The therapist came closer and wrapped her arms around Brendon. He will be fine she said.  
He will do okay she said.   
They have to talk about it she said.  
So Brendon sat down and talked. He told her everything. From the day that he and Ryan met, their first date, their first kiss, all the other dates, the other kisses, the first time they had sex, the first time they met each others parents, their first christmas, easter, new year and thanks giving together and their 4 year anniversary. Then he told her how things started going downwards with Ryan. That his depression came back, his dad started being abusive again. Everything. And thats when Brendon remembers. He remembers it so clearly. The day he got a call from the hospital telling him that Ryan was about to die. He never biked so fast. When he got there, Ryan was barely awake and yet Ryan reached for Brendons hand. "I love you so much brenny" he whispered and Brendon started crying.  
"I love you so much Ryan you can't do this to me you can't leave me here alone" Brendons voice cracked and he couldn't hold it together anymore.  
"I wrote you a letter Brendon, I need to know that you will read it when you need to be happy or miss me okay? Brendon look at me. I love you. I always will love you and I will always be there for you baby. Please move on and be happy when you are ready."  
And then Ryan died. Ryan had died in Brendons arms. Brendon completely lost it. Just like now, at the therapist. Telling her everything just made him feel worse. But now he knows why he was here. He was imagining his Ry. He imagined everything ... So he was escorted back to his room and he sat on his bed. He looked around his room for any traces of Ryan but there was nothing. There never have been any. He looks at the letter on his desk. He stood up and grabbed it. He read it. He read Ryan words over and over again. And he cried. He cried so hard. All he ever wanted was to be with Ryan. He put the letter down on his pillow and rushed into the bathroom. He found some pills that they gave him to keep him calm. He took all of them in one go. He also found some other pills he didn't even know if they could kill him, but he just took them. He went back into his room and wrote a letter. All it said was 

"Dear family and friends, I'm going back to Ryan"

he folded the piece of paper and layed down in bed. Ryans letter pressed to his chest.   
That night, Brendon Boyd Urie died and was on his way to heaven to hopefully meet with his boyfriend again.


End file.
